How To Heal From A Break-Up
Healing is possible
People often wonder how to heal from a break-up or an unhealthy relationship. Being in a difficult relationship can cause confusion, loss of self, diminished self-esteem, and lots of anxiety. Have you ever been in a relationship where there is a constant rollercoaster happening? Things feel amazing when the relationship is good but when the relationship is bad it is really bad. You know the relationship is not good for you but the few good moments keep you there. The history of what once was is begging you to stay. All of your friends and family tell you this relationship is not good for you, but you cannot let it go. Maybe you have let it go but you are finding yourself wanting to go back because love is worth fighting for. It can feel like at times you will never recover from the gut-wrenching blow this relationship has done to your self-esteem.
You Feel Emotionally Destroyed
This relationship has you lost and confused. You feel as though there is something wrong with you. Often you may find yourself asking, “am I unlovable?” “am I too much,” or “why can’t I be good enough.” It feels as though you need to fix yourself and overcompensate to do everything and more to keep the relationship. You keep giving and not receiving, and it is so exhausting. You don’t even know who you are anymore because you lost yourself in this relationship.
How Did I Get Here?
When we feel like we are not good enough no matter how hard we try we will often try to convince others of our worth. We do this because it is hard to see our worth on our own. This can often happen if, growing up our parents made us feel like we did not matter or weren’t good enough no matter how hard we tried. Maybe our parents constantly criticized us or were very harsh with us for simple mistakes. Maybe we were expected to sit down and be quiet. Often times there isn’t room for us, whether it's because our parents take up all the space or tell us to not feel our emotions. We tend to repeat the same patterns within our relationships as we become adults because on a deeper, innate level we recognize this pattern and it feels safe. The reason it feels safe is because that is what we have known our entire life.
What Is A Healthy Versus An Unhealthy Relationship?
Relationships are not meant to be roller coasters. Sure, relationships require a lot of compromise and are not perfect by any means. They are not meant to cause constant stress, tears, or make you feel like you are not good enough. Being constantly cheated on is not normal, your needs and emotions being brushed off is not okay, and being physically abused is detrimental to your safety. Being coerced into sexual acts you are not comfortable with is not the sign of a healthy relationship either. Having daily arguments that can never get resolved and often end up with threats/yelling is often anxiety-provoking and exhausting. Being put down or called names can impact your self-esteem.
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship:
- Emotional Abuse
- Constant Arguments with no resolution
- Sexual abuse
- Put-downs
- Constant anxiety
- Cheating
- Breaking up constantly and getting back together
- Broken trust
- Differing Morals
- Physical abuse
- Blaming
- Partner not listening/blowing off your emotions
- Anger that gets out of control (physical abuse, throwing items, cursing, name-calling
- Nothing feels good enough
- Not having fun together
- Lack of intimacy
Signs of a healthy relationship:
No relationship is perfect. In movies, relationships are often depicted as being over the top romantic with dates, flowers, roses, and the ultimate act of love. Then marriage and a baby. Every relationship looks different and real relationships are much more complex than movies portray. Arguments happen in healthy relationships; sometimes we may say things we do not mean. That doesn’t mean a relationship is wrong or unhealthy. It just means we are human and make mistakes. Being in a healthy relationship is really about mutual respect, communication, compromise, and having fun together. This means allowing each other to be human and make mistakes. Forgiveness is something that occurs frequently. There aren’t super detrimental things happening like harsh words, physical abuse, cheating, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc. You feel as though you are good enough and your partner often lifts you up.
- Having fun together
- Constructive communication
- Having similar interests
- Similar values
- Forgiveness
- Autonomy
- Kindness
- Warmth
- Respect
- Intimacy
- Healthy Boundaries
- Conflict resolution
- Mutual commitment
- Trust
- Honesty
- Differences are respected and valued
- Having give and take
Healing is Possible
What if I told you healing is possible? Choosing yourself is possible. Learning to love yourself is possible, and you are worth it. There are so many wonderful things that make you, you.
Here are some ways to heal from a break-up:
- Engage in self-care: eating good meals, drinking water, doing fun activities
- Eating safe foods and snacks (it is okay to have chocolate, cheese, ice-cream, etc.)
- Spending time with supportive people/family
- Allowing yourself to grieve: cry, be angry, be confused, be in despair
- Listen to songs about break-ups
- Watch a break-up movie
- Learn how to love yourself: write a love letter to yourself, make a daily list about all of the great things you did right that day or within the relationship
- Think about what your ideal relationship is and make a list to see if your ex met these needs
- Freehand journal: write without a prompt about how this relationship has made you feel
- Read books on break-ups
- Spend time in nature
- Go on a solo trip or a trip with friends
- Think about ways in which this may improve your life (i.e. more time for time alone and doing things you enjoy).
- Start a new hobby/pick up an old hobby that got lost
Seeking Therapy As An Ultimate Form of Healing
In therapy, we work on healing from a break-up by finding true healing. This means we help you to regain confidence, express your emotions about your loss, and find ways to move on with your life. It can feel like there is no hope of meeting someone else or maybe you are so exhausted that the prospect of love does not sound appealing. We work together to help identify patterns that may have contributed to this difficult relationship. This is done through psychoeducation about attachment styles and childhood trauma. Often the therapist will ask you questions in order to dig deeper and point out patterns that may be difficult for you to notice. Through therapy, we get to the root cause of pain, which could be underlying childhood trauma and relationships we witnessed growing up. We work to break patterns so that you can choose a new and happier path for yourself. We help you fall in love with yourself and learn to give yourself everything that you need. We will help you to feel like you can breathe again. We work on helping you feel as though you are good enough, that you do matter, and that you are lovable.
You deserve more. You deserve to heal. If any of this resonates with you hit the book now button to book an appointment!
