Do I Need An Apology To Heal?

One of the basic things most of us learned growing up was that if you do something wrong that you more than likely should apologize. Most of our parents would say, “now say that you are sorry” and we would have to ask for forgiveness. There can be a lot of benefits to saying you are sorry and also receiving an apology from others. Saying sorry helps us learn how to be accountable for our actions and can provide a sense of relief to those that we have caused pain. If someone caused us intense pain or trauma it can help us begin the process of healing if the other person is able to acknowledge how much they hurt us. An apology says, “I messed up, I was wrong, I hurt you, and that was not okay.” It also says that you matter and that you deserved better.

Saying Sorry Is Hard

The human mind is absolutely complex. There can be so many reasons why someone may not be able to say sorry. I think a lot of us do not particularly love admitting that we are wrong. It can be so hard to say that we messed up and can be painful. However, a lot of people who are emotionally healthy will do this and have deeper insight. With deeper insight we often have the ability to realize that we are not perfect, we do make mistakes, and can learn from them. With this comes an ability to say sorry, even if it is hard.

Here are some reasons why people may not apologize:

1.  Guilt and shame

A lot of the time it feels shameful to admit that you have made a mistake and hurt others. This can be especially true if you had good intentions and wanted to do the right thing. Sometimes people feel guilty for hurting others and having a combination of guilt and shame can feel awful. It can be easier to avoid an apology than it is to admit the mistake that we have made. If we pretend it’s not there its not real, right? Sadly, it still is and the wronged party is still in pain.

2.  A lack of emotional intelligence/empathy

Most often people with a deep understanding of emotional intelligence will be able to say sorry and truly mean it. You have to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to realize why what happened was wrong and understand your wrongdoing. If you grew up in a household that did not foster your emotions, it can be hard to have a strong emotional intelligence as this was not something that you had learned. If you are dealing with people that have no empathy or emotional understanding it is likely that they will never see the wrong in the pain they have caused. Thus resulting in you not receiving an apology.

3. Pride

The negative aspect of pride is when someone has difficulty with seeing wrong doings and feels that their character is threatened. This often can show up as a person feeling as though they can do no wrong. This can also show up as a person attempting to zero out the mistake by noting all of the things they have done for the other person. This is especially true if someone has perfectionist tendencies. It is so hard to admit that you have made a mistake, especially if how people perceive you is meaningful to you.

4. Blaming is easier

This usually is a defense mechanism that comes out when others are feeling attacked. Oftentimes it is easier to blame the victim for what happened than to say sorry. This is usually a very easy way out of something and can cause a lot of pain for the hurt party. It can make you feel anxious and helpless.

But What If They Won’t Say Sorry, Can You Really Let Go?

When we feel wronged and the other party is unable to acknowledge their wrongdoing, there is a big sense of injustice. This happens because being hurt can be very one sided. The other person gets off scot-free while you are here attempting to pick up the pieces that they broke. They do not have to do any of the work because they took the easier way out-not having any accountability for their wrongdoings. Sometimes it can feel like in order to heal we need an apology. We just need them to say how much they hurt us. We need them to say they messed up and that we deserved better. We need them to learn from these mistakes and never repeat them again. There is often a need for validation of the hurt and pain that was caused. The interesting thing about this though is often we look for validation from the very person that is hurting us and refusing to apologize. We can become so stuck in this need for justice that it holds us back from healing.

Selena Gomez recently came out with this beautiful song, “You Said You Were Sorry.” In this song she talks about the concept of healing without an apology beautifully. Selena is referencing a past relationship but this concept can be applied to any situation. In the song Selena sings, “I had a dream, you said you were sorry, you said you were sorry, sorry for everything that you put on me, that you put on me, our eyes were balling rain, we finally both forgave, I had a dream, that’s all it was. That was enough for me.”

Take a minute and re-read those lyrics if you need to or to listen to the actual song. Let it sink in. We do not need an apology to heal.

How To Heal Without An Apology

I would say that most people that refuse to apologize or acknowledge their mistakes are not losing sleep over what they did to us. They are not suffering like you are. There is a callousness to that that cuts deep. The truth of the matter is that you deserve to heal. You deserve to move past the pain that others have caused you. We have to do this by forgiving, NOT for them but for ourselves. In Selena’s song she is saying that this person never truly apologized as she has dreamed of this person apologizing. I am sure many of us have hoped and wished for an apology and thought about what a sense of relief that would give us. Maybe this apology would push us into the healing journey that we need to go down. A simple apology does not immediately take our pain away but it can provide a sense of relief. The fact of the matter is that some people are just not going to apologize so we have to find a way through the pain on our own without hoping for something that may never come. Sometimes people do change and grow and realize the mistakes that they have made. It is possible that you may still get the apology but in the meantime you deserve to give yourself healing because imagine what will happen if they never do.

Healing from pain is complicated

It can be confusing trying to figure out how to navigate your feelings after someone has hurt you. There can be many mixed emotions associated with the hurt that you are feeling. When someone we love and trust hurts us it can really tear us apart. It can be hard to know where to even begin in the process of healing. It can often leave use feeling vulnerable, angry, sad, anxious, and make it hard to trust others. Sometimes it can even feel as though it is our fault. That maybe if we were good enough or mattered more that this would not have happened. These feelings can be sorted out through therapy. We can work together to feel  free of all of the difficult emotions and find ways to sort through them. We can work towards forgiveness so that you can truly win. They say the best revenge is moving on with your life and being happy despite the pain that others have put you through. If you are ready to heal from the pain that others have caused you, not for anyone but yourself, reach out and schedule an appointment!

Disclaimer:
This blog post is for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute psychological diagnosis or treatment.

The song lyrics referenced in this post are the property of their respective copyright holders. I do not claim ownership of any lyrics, music, or related content mentioned herein. All rights to quoted or referenced material belong to their respective owners and are used here under fair use for commentary, discussion, and educational purposes.